Confident?

Have you ever been working so hard for something and the carpet be pulled out from underneath you? Or get to a certain level and have a plan then you have to start over?

start-over

That is where I am at right now. I have started over AGAIN. I’ve been here for almost 2 months and feel so lost. Feel like some one pushed me in the deep end with out floaties.

i-have-no-idea-what-Im-doing-meme-27

It’s such a huge confidence issue for me more than anything. I need to have a certain level of confidence to feel okay. I’m sure that this is the norm for most people. And I know that this is just a time in my life where I really need to have patience especially with myself.

Anyone have any tips? I’d love to hear. I probably could combine them in a follow up blog because I know for a fact that I am not allow.

HEY Y’ALL

Did you miss me? I can’t believe that I haven’t written a blog in a year! Crazy days!

IMG_2894   IMG_2921

What has been going on in the past year, party people?? Here? A lot of things! But the biggest thing (for me) is that I am no longer with the marina. It was long overdue but there has been a lot of mixed emotions for the both of us. But we are moving forward. Ryan is still there, right in the middle of the season, and trying to make it work. For me, I have landed this amazing job with a local builder here in Yorktown. I am so thankful and the timing of it all can only be the works of the big guy upstairs. I am a project manager for their remodel division. I have been there for about a month. It’s been a big change, going from boats to homes. But the basis of it all is still the same. The people! They have also asked me to take over their marketing for the division and I couldn’t be more excited. Still trying to get my feet wet before I really dive into anything.

Ryan and I are taking time to really get back to us. To understand who we are, as a couple, without the marina at the center. Not going to lie, it’s been hard. The marina was a part of our foundation. But we are figuring it out. We are taking a two-stepping line dance class. It has been a lot of fun for both of us. We have met some amazing people. One couple, if fact, are one of my upcoming clients for a bathroom remodel. Everyone has been so encouraging and inviting. And ladies, it’s such a workout. In an hour, I get more than 2k steps. That’s more than I get some days stuck at a deck.

School has really been kicking my butt lately. I am getting into my core classes for my degree. I have learned a lot but I really have to stay on top of it or I will get swept under. And can I just tell you that I am over the group projects. Group projects in an online setting are just beyond ridiculous. I just want to do my work and get my grade. I hate that my grade is relying on Jennifer and her slack ass. I can not express the complete frustration that this has caused in my life.

So one of the abundance of great things my new job has to offer is I actually get to enjoy Memorial Day and Labor Day. Being in the boat business, that is prime time. And with how Ryan and I worked our schedule with the kids, he would be with them while I worked. He doesn’t get that much time with his two so, of course, I would make that sacrifice for him. Well sacrifice no more!! We are going to have 3 whole days off at the end of this month and I can not wait. 4 years y’all! 4 long years since I have gotten to enjoy 3 whole, warm days off in a row. It’s been so weird for me to have both Saturday and Sunday off with the kids. Like, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Much less, what to do with all of them with 3 whole days. Lots of fun, in the sun!

IMG_1729   IMG_1746IMG_1752   IMG_1762IMG_1777

So much more of this! The pictures are from our amazing trip to Ocracoke, NC last summer. It was our first trip as a family of 6. It was my first week vacation I had taken since before Liam was born. He’s 5 now. It was a sight to see. Our little Dodge Journey loaded down with kids, coloring books, juice boxes and beer. But we also were hauling our little 13′ Boston Whaler loaded down with all of our clothes, beach stuff and food. It was the only way to get it all down there short of renting a U-Haul.

IMG_1719

Inside the crazy train! Crazy we have two out of carseats/boosters completely and two in boosters now. No more babies!

IMG_1836

This picture means a lot to me. My kids playing in the same creek that my sister and I used to play in when we were kids. Where we used to take family, weekly vacations and came along with this creek in West Virginia. This is where we had to take a bath because they didn’t have showers there back then. But they have since installed hot showers. But I have been coming here since I was at least 2 (that I know of). My whole family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. I brought friends here with me. I have even brought my high school boyfriend here. This picture y’all was an amazing moment to share with my littles and I captured it on camera!!

This is what I am looking forward to most. Getting back to the basics of me. Cheers!

The Bubble

When Ryan and I first started dating. Every time we would hang out it felt like we were in a bubble. Like we were the only ones around and time stood still. 

We refer to the bubble a lot. When things are stressful and we need a break, we talk about the bubble and getting back to that. The stress-free piece of solitude. 

We haven’t talked about it in awhile. Honestly we both had forgotten, briefly, but still forgotten about it. It was in a moment the other evening, we both talked about our stresses and things that are tugging on our heartstrings. It was a brief moment but it felt like the weight that had been burdening us (well me I can’t speak for him) was lifted. No problems had been solved, nothing was fixed, but it was a brief moment where we were back in it. It was an amazing brief second.

I think back to how the heck we had got into this. One word. LIFE. It isn’t hard to loose what brought you together. He has always been my fresh air. My person. And to no fault of our own, we stepped out of the bubble. Weather it be for parent duties, family duties, or occupational duties, we stepped out. 

We were able to find again, and that right there means more than any thing. But we found it in a time where we both needed it the most. That is something. 

I feel lately that times are hard and I’m not making any forward progress. But I have the bubble to be able to regroup and refocus. And I have him. My rock and strength. 

The evils of Timehop

I had a moment the other morning, while looking through old posts. Timehop is a blessing and a curse all at the same time. I love when I come across old pics of the kids that have gotten buried in photos of that time in my life where I took tons of pictures of food and drinks. Yea yea, I still take pictures of drink. Sometimes they are just really cool looking. Ok, off subject. But the curse of Timehop is when I come across those posts. The posts that I have buried with that chapter of my life. It’s a weird feeling that creeps up sometimes. Sad for that person that I used to be that went through that but so happy that I did go through it.   Sad for some of the relationships I lost, or loved ones that have passed. I came across this one this morning:

Paul

My dear friend  Paul passed away. But it’s so nice to see him all over my Timehop.

My point of this blog wasn’t to bring up the past. It was a part of the point I was trying to make. Timehop. I also came across some posts of how passionate and on fire I was about real estate. I was excited and passionate about where things could go with my life. And then, 3 years ago, I got hit with a bomb. My passion for my children has been unwavering. So don’t get me wrong, but the fire burnt out. Or became dim. Or whatever metaphor I’m missing. I do have a lot of things that I see where my passion could be relit, or fuel. But everything seems very far off. So I’m struggling with the now. Like the Dierks Bentley Song, “I want to feel that fire”. I know I’ll figure it out, just not sure where to begin. I am in such a better place. I am very thankful. 

How things change

Its funny to think back to where I was 3 years ago. I had just found out my husband at the time was having an affair with another woman. My world was crushed. Everything that I thought I had known was a lie. I had no job, no money. I had two kids and I didn’t know what I was going to do. But I picked myself up, the best way I knew how, and moved forward.

Hell, even two years ago, I would have never saw myself where I am today. I am pretty lucky. I am with the man I have been dreaming of. We live with our 4 kids in a nice house on the water where we work. 2 years ago, I was in a horrible relationship that was toxic for both of us. I was severely depressed. Everything was dark and I didn’t think that I was ever going to see light. I really thought that I was unlovable because that’s what was in front of me. So its hard for me to think about how far I have come sometimes. It seems like a lifetime ago.

Now, it’s 2017. I am past all of that stuff. There are new challenges in front of me. In front of us. What hotel will we stay at this weekend for our getaway to Richmond? Where will we do for our summer vacation with the kids? How can we purchase this marina? It can be overwhelming at times but I think back to where I was. When I was in a really dark, dark place and I think now, it’s not that bad. I keep that perspective, or at least try to. And I have had dark days. Trust me. But right now, it’s about making goal and accomplishing them. One step at a time.

IMG_0887

Let me tell you bout my best friend

So, life has been very busy lately. My goal of writing daily has been blown out of the water. But I’m here. No more excuses.

Lots have been happening lately. We launched our new website Friday. And are in the process of revamping our logo as well. Next steps are to get more of a social media presence. We also are moving forward with the new pool and bathhouse at the marina. 

But this isn’t about what’s going on at work. Or all the new things I’m trying to do. It’s about the guy that’s been rooting for me on the sidelines from day one. My best friend.

He really is. He’s one of the people that I know that I can tell anything without hesitation or reservation. I know he will be there to listen and be my sounding board… most of the time because let’s face it-it’s in a guys DNA to fix things. He’s someone that has listened to me at 2am about my nightmares and has talked me back down to rationality. He has listened to my crazy rants including the ones about suicidal slug salt bombers. Yea, it happened. He was one of the very few people that know how much I struggled 2 years ago. So many late night conversations about nightmares and randomness. He’s so easy to talk to. It comes easy. When I have exciting news, he’s the first one I think of to tell. Or even bad news because I know he can comfort me.

We weren’t even together when I found out about my cervical cancer. He was there. He gave me words of encouragement and said he would be there for the procedure. He bought me a cape. A purple cape with an “S” on it. It has my “S” on it. I write my “S”‘s different. He noticed. The night before my surgery, I came down with the stomach bug. I wanted to call off the surgery. Postpone it til I was better and more mentally prepared. He was there (thru text). Told me to get some Gatorade in me and that he would be there in the morning to help me get my kids to where they needed to go. He was there. I know I can rely on him with anything.

We’ve been through a lot in the time we have been together. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not long. But with everything we do it seems right.

 I keep having moments lately. And maybe because I have been struggling with some things lately that make these things seem bigger than they are. But these moment catch me off guard. It may be a silly moment or when we are talking seriously about work. Either way, I have noticed. I take that brief moment and really think about how far I have come. 

Lately I have been struggling, with a few things actually. We have had a few meetings regarding financing the marina. It seems daunting.  But all I know is the comfort that I have when I imagine doing this with him. Building a dream- our dream. 

Snow!!

So I’m over it. It was nice for a little while but it can go away now. Where we live at now we have some decent hills for the kids to sled on. 

It looked pretty for awhile. 


But it needs to go. 

A customer of ours at the marina is a neighbor that lives behind us. He left just before the storm hit to go down to Florida for a few months. He sent me this picture


I need warmth in my life. Supposed to 65 on Thursday here. *Shrugs shoulders*

%d bloggers like this: